PJ4 - Year

Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)


Year by year passed,
but for me ,it is just some days.

i feels
my life is hanging somewhere
where i feel i dont belong here anymore
why life, why?
im trying to hold my faith well,
holding my tears,
managing my expectations.

tolong! aku penat.

people says ,
alasan je tu tak nak habiskan.
to what extent they thought i didn't want a better life?

i do wish to have a career,
have incomes,
buying my needs,
support parents and sib financially,
spend money for my skin health,
spend money for my running gears,
get a red book and go travel,
having my own home and car,
be with understand partner and have kids.

i do expect to finish my study at 2013,
convo and secure a better job.

imaging how many years i have wasted.
doesn't this mean i feel not belong to be here is invalid?
logically,
who ever think of the years pass,
would simply said how lazy and uncapable i am to finish my task to where everybody else can do it in just 2 years.
but me?
could you feel the intense?
have u ever walk in my shoes?
bringing my fcking intense emotion along and judge.

seriously, i feels so tired af
tired.

i do feels dumb for not to accept any job offers along the study period
some because i do think of pity of my friend who didn't pass the test that we took together for the job,
some because i feels i can finish my study in just few times.

lost. i lost in my expectations and intense emotions

she did said my english is bad, and i took months to heal from her words.
months.
it is just a simple thing for others.
i do tell others about the critics,
and the replies is, just do it, just make the mistakes,
from it we learn.
ye, yess,
i understand that.
but whyyyyyyyy my intense feeling of being critics doesn't want to move away from me?
dear emotions, please go away. i shouted it in my head and heart for uncountable time.

for so long, it goes away. it left my heart and my mind.
but why it took so long ,till i feel paralyzed and can't finish off this thesis task?
damn.

i hustle to get myself back.
get a grip ,back to my reality.
biarlah, dah terlepas konvo '19 ni,
biarlah.
ada la tu, something He want to give me.
i convinced myself.

from this, i learn a lesson.
please practice grounding emotions well, al.
ground it every day,
and keep head high.



just do it, okay? :)
let's prepare for a solo and decent vacay after all the submission okay? :)

love you, al. <3




survivor,
al.