Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Year by year passed,
but for me ,it is just some days.
i feels
my life is hanging somewhere
where i feel i dont belong here anymore
why life, why?
im trying to hold my faith well,
holding my tears,
managing my expectations.
tolong! aku penat.
people says ,
alasan je tu tak nak habiskan.
to what extent they thought i didn't want a better life?
i do wish to have a career,
have incomes,
buying my needs,
support parents and sib financially,
spend money for my skin health,
spend money for my running gears,
get a red book and go travel,
having my own home and car,
be with understand partner and have kids.
i do expect to finish my study at 2013,
convo and secure a better job.
imaging how many years i have wasted.
doesn't this mean i feel not belong to be here is invalid?
logically,
who ever think of the years pass,
would simply said how lazy and uncapable i am to finish my task to where everybody else can do it in just 2 years.
but me?
could you feel the intense?
have u ever walk in my shoes?
bringing my fcking intense emotion along and judge.
seriously, i feels so tired af
tired.
i do feels dumb for not to accept any job offers along the study period
some because i do think of pity of my friend who didn't pass the test that we took together for the job,
some because i feels i can finish my study in just few times.
lost. i lost in my expectations and intense emotions
she did said my english is bad, and i took months to heal from her words.
months.
it is just a simple thing for others.
i do tell others about the critics,
and the replies is, just do it, just make the mistakes,
from it we learn.
ye, yess,
i understand that.
but whyyyyyyyy my intense feeling of being critics doesn't want to move away from me?
dear emotions, please go away. i shouted it in my head and heart for uncountable time.
for so long, it goes away. it left my heart and my mind.
but why it took so long ,till i feel paralyzed and can't finish off this thesis task?
damn.
i hustle to get myself back.
get a grip ,back to my reality.
biarlah, dah terlepas konvo '19 ni,
biarlah.
ada la tu, something He want to give me.
i convinced myself.
from this, i learn a lesson.
please practice grounding emotions well, al.
ground it every day,
and keep head high.
just do it, okay? :)
let's prepare for a solo and decent vacay after all the submission okay? :)
love you, al. <3
survivor,
al.
Friday, 29 November 2019
Wednesday, 27 November 2019
PJ3 - Pujuk diri 1
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
life is not as it is kan?
come here up side down,
memories bring back , memories bring back
lalu je depan tealive, idk what to feel. need to revisit tealive kot, to neutralize the moment.
sigh
penat nak hadap memory tu.
al, tolong please, jadi matang, be bold to face
and accept whatever ahead.
accept whatever past pun.
coz this is where understanding about qada and qadar should be apply.
all happens for a reason.
Only Allah holds your future, just do what you have to do al.
Work out what necessary and follow the flow with submission to Him.
Dear heart, be calm, ya. :)
You can settle this.
There is better future written for you al.
just keep doing the right thing.
fix what can be fix now
do whatever you can do.
al, you are an adult now and you have full responsibility upon yourself.
be smart, be nice
and last, be optimist.
pray always,
al.
life is not as it is kan?
come here up side down,
memories bring back , memories bring back
lalu je depan tealive, idk what to feel. need to revisit tealive kot, to neutralize the moment.
sigh
penat nak hadap memory tu.
al, tolong please, jadi matang, be bold to face
and accept whatever ahead.
accept whatever past pun.
coz this is where understanding about qada and qadar should be apply.
all happens for a reason.
Only Allah holds your future, just do what you have to do al.
Work out what necessary and follow the flow with submission to Him.
Dear heart, be calm, ya. :)
You can settle this.
There is better future written for you al.
just keep doing the right thing.
fix what can be fix now
do whatever you can do.
al, you are an adult now and you have full responsibility upon yourself.
be smart, be nice
and last, be optimist.
pray always,
al.
Sunday, 24 November 2019
PJ2 - Random
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Hari hari niat clean eating, tapi sudahnya malam malam camni makan berat jugak. sigh. haiz.
struggle jugak weh camni.
hati, kuat please.
lawanlah segala nafsu makan yang muncul itu. huhu
so far, aku dah mula start creating a routine, what to do, keep myself busy, i try my very best.
aku dapat nampak perubahan juga dari segi cara fikir bila ada routine ni.
dan ianya lebih menyakinkan bila aku baca perkongsian kat twitter mengenai having a habit ni.
now, on my way reading new book - The Power of Habit.
Sikit sikit kita cuba improve diri ya, al.
sekarang ni, rasa bersyukur sangat Allah bagi lagi peluang untuk ubah diri, Allah sedarkan mana yang salah, supaya boleh ubah, supaya balik dalam keadaan bersih bertemu Dia. inshaAllah.
sebenarnya kan, aku ni rasa aku kekurangan vocab, tak kira english ke melayu ke, sama je. so nak x nak , aku perlu lebihkan bacaan ilmiah dan informasi.
and the only way to help my brain store information better is, by doing exercise.
ada kaitan dengan BDNF, will try to write about this. aku tak de la paham sgt pasal ni, tp aku nak cabar diri supaya boleh simplify sesuatu and explain it using my own words. sebab apa tau, sebab aku rasa pemikiran aku kompleks sampai la aku rasa diri aku ni adhd.huhu
banyak jugak faktor yang aku rasa diri aku mcm tu, tu yang ubah dari segi pemakanan ni. dan apa sebab dengan pemakanan ni, nanti akan cuba aku kait dan ulas dalam entri eating.
aku tak reti nak sampaikan idea dan buah fikiran. dengan kata lain, otak aku serabut, semua nak keluar satu masa.
memandangkan aku rasa mcm tu, itu yang aku cabar diri buat blog post dan cuba luahkan, walau aku rasa kelaut je text aku, mcm xde isi , dan kalau ada isi pun, isi tu tak teratur.
bila exercise ni, my heart pumped, and i love it, and i feel my brain feeling fresh too. alhamdulillah.
so, hari hari pujuk diri sendiri untuk buat je. as long as it is good for me, i buat je.
jadi, sekarang fokus pada pemakanan dan senaman. rutin lain masih diteruskan macam biasa, cuma lebih fokus pada dua ni.
ini entri random.
adios,al.
Hari hari niat clean eating, tapi sudahnya malam malam camni makan berat jugak. sigh. haiz.
struggle jugak weh camni.
hati, kuat please.
lawanlah segala nafsu makan yang muncul itu. huhu
so far, aku dah mula start creating a routine, what to do, keep myself busy, i try my very best.
aku dapat nampak perubahan juga dari segi cara fikir bila ada routine ni.
dan ianya lebih menyakinkan bila aku baca perkongsian kat twitter mengenai having a habit ni.
now, on my way reading new book - The Power of Habit.
Sikit sikit kita cuba improve diri ya, al.
sekarang ni, rasa bersyukur sangat Allah bagi lagi peluang untuk ubah diri, Allah sedarkan mana yang salah, supaya boleh ubah, supaya balik dalam keadaan bersih bertemu Dia. inshaAllah.
sebenarnya kan, aku ni rasa aku kekurangan vocab, tak kira english ke melayu ke, sama je. so nak x nak , aku perlu lebihkan bacaan ilmiah dan informasi.
and the only way to help my brain store information better is, by doing exercise.
ada kaitan dengan BDNF, will try to write about this. aku tak de la paham sgt pasal ni, tp aku nak cabar diri supaya boleh simplify sesuatu and explain it using my own words. sebab apa tau, sebab aku rasa pemikiran aku kompleks sampai la aku rasa diri aku ni adhd.huhu
banyak jugak faktor yang aku rasa diri aku mcm tu, tu yang ubah dari segi pemakanan ni. dan apa sebab dengan pemakanan ni, nanti akan cuba aku kait dan ulas dalam entri eating.
aku tak reti nak sampaikan idea dan buah fikiran. dengan kata lain, otak aku serabut, semua nak keluar satu masa.
memandangkan aku rasa mcm tu, itu yang aku cabar diri buat blog post dan cuba luahkan, walau aku rasa kelaut je text aku, mcm xde isi , dan kalau ada isi pun, isi tu tak teratur.
bila exercise ni, my heart pumped, and i love it, and i feel my brain feeling fresh too. alhamdulillah.
so, hari hari pujuk diri sendiri untuk buat je. as long as it is good for me, i buat je.
jadi, sekarang fokus pada pemakanan dan senaman. rutin lain masih diteruskan macam biasa, cuma lebih fokus pada dua ni.
ini entri random.
adios,al.
GF3 - Seafood
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Me (A): Doktor, Saya kena pantang seafood ka? Tak boleh nak makan seafood ka doc?
Doc: Siapa cakap tak boleh? Boleh saja, makan saja. yang penting makan real food, no processed food.
A: *mata bersinar* eh boleh ka doc? Means saya boleh makan real and fresh food. fresh food means? seafood yang baru naik ka?
D: Yep, real and fresh food.
A: Oh yaaaa. sebab depa preserve seafood tu dulu sebelum pasarkan. ok ok faham.
I was so stress with my food, bayangkan orang lain boleh makan sedap sedap seafood; ketam , udang kerang, siput, sotong, while me watching from far je. sedih kan.
and after i heard doc said so, i made a plan, ajak mom and dad beli seafood fresh kat LKIM, tempat ikan ikan segar baru naik. Kat sana, i saw few uncles put something from a bottle to the fresh fishes dalam tank besar tu. Wait, what is it? oh yaaaaaa, it's formaldehyde la kan, to preserve the freshness of fish before reaching the customers.
now, another puzzle found.
we bought a few type of fishes and some squid and crab yang memang betul betul baru naik, put some ice and back home. I ate those squid and crab and alhamdulillah, no rashes, no itchy, no side effects after eating! i observed it in a week. nothing, and now i know, if i crave to eat seafood, i need to buy them fresh! Weehuuuuu *drumroll*
Before this, i'm quite stress about my food intake. after this incident, i am so happy and understand how eating fresh and real food can heal my skin.
i am thinking to share about eating in my next entry. see ya!
be real and fresh,
al
p/s: idk, sentence structures untuk entry ni rasa macam ke laut je. so nanti je la i edit bagi ok sikit hahaha. k ciao.
Me (A): Doktor, Saya kena pantang seafood ka? Tak boleh nak makan seafood ka doc?
Doc: Siapa cakap tak boleh? Boleh saja, makan saja. yang penting makan real food, no processed food.
A: *mata bersinar* eh boleh ka doc? Means saya boleh makan real and fresh food. fresh food means? seafood yang baru naik ka?
D: Yep, real and fresh food.
A: Oh yaaaa. sebab depa preserve seafood tu dulu sebelum pasarkan. ok ok faham.
I was so stress with my food, bayangkan orang lain boleh makan sedap sedap seafood; ketam , udang kerang, siput, sotong, while me watching from far je. sedih kan.
and after i heard doc said so, i made a plan, ajak mom and dad beli seafood fresh kat LKIM, tempat ikan ikan segar baru naik. Kat sana, i saw few uncles put something from a bottle to the fresh fishes dalam tank besar tu. Wait, what is it? oh yaaaaaa, it's formaldehyde la kan, to preserve the freshness of fish before reaching the customers.
now, another puzzle found.
we bought a few type of fishes and some squid and crab yang memang betul betul baru naik, put some ice and back home. I ate those squid and crab and alhamdulillah, no rashes, no itchy, no side effects after eating! i observed it in a week. nothing, and now i know, if i crave to eat seafood, i need to buy them fresh! Weehuuuuu *drumroll*
Before this, i'm quite stress about my food intake. after this incident, i am so happy and understand how eating fresh and real food can heal my skin.
i am thinking to share about eating in my next entry. see ya!
be real and fresh,
al
p/s: idk, sentence structures untuk entry ni rasa macam ke laut je. so nanti je la i edit bagi ok sikit hahaha. k ciao.
Thursday, 21 November 2019
GF2 - Instagram?
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Alhamdulillah, another day of clean eating journey.
Badan dah mula rasa itchy here and there, maybe sebab terrrr makan sambal belacan kot tadi. sigh.
It's okay, lepas ni avoid kay.
and to day, alhamdulillah i managed to get 2.64 km brisk walking.
I read, the book said, brisk walking is better than leisure walk. So i try try je la.
Actually, this email and blog created together with an Instagram (ig) account! Hehe
It was created last year and I follow no one except my first ig account.
Since i found my first ig account is too toxic for me, i only login to the account once a week, just to know some updates.
I uploaded all my progress in my new account, yada yada not so much, banyak quotes, videos which helps me ALOT in my healing process.
All my rantings about my skin, my current condition were all in the ig story (igs).
I dislike to block anyone in my first account, hence i made a move and be at a new place.
I create my own circle, new interests on meal prep, fitness and running.
Each photo has their own explanation though it has no caption.
Em, but, I'm not ready to share with anyone yet. too much to be filtered out kot. hehe
Some might ask, why blog, not ig kan? later later, insyaAllah. not gonna move there yet.
i just love and enjoy typing in my blog.
Till then
p/s: i'm so happy today, coz i get to calculate new values for my data. Thanksss, mate!
Keep going,
al.
Alhamdulillah, another day of clean eating journey.
Badan dah mula rasa itchy here and there, maybe sebab terrrr makan sambal belacan kot tadi. sigh.
It's okay, lepas ni avoid kay.
and to day, alhamdulillah i managed to get 2.64 km brisk walking.
I read, the book said, brisk walking is better than leisure walk. So i try try je la.
Actually, this email and blog created together with an Instagram (ig) account! Hehe
It was created last year and I follow no one except my first ig account.
Since i found my first ig account is too toxic for me, i only login to the account once a week, just to know some updates.
I uploaded all my progress in my new account, yada yada not so much, banyak quotes, videos which helps me ALOT in my healing process.
All my rantings about my skin, my current condition were all in the ig story (igs).
I dislike to block anyone in my first account, hence i made a move and be at a new place.
I create my own circle, new interests on meal prep, fitness and running.
Each photo has their own explanation though it has no caption.
Em, but, I'm not ready to share with anyone yet. too much to be filtered out kot. hehe
Some might ask, why blog, not ig kan? later later, insyaAllah. not gonna move there yet.
i just love and enjoy typing in my blog.
Till then
p/s: i'm so happy today, coz i get to calculate new values for my data. Thanksss, mate!
Keep going,
al.
Wednesday, 20 November 2019
PJ1 - Met him
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
I. Meet. Him.
Omg!!!!
The only person I tryna avoid, but i suddenly met him at restaurant this afternoon.
I don't know how to describe my feeling at the moment.
At first, I saw my sv taking rice for her cucu, and i approached her while viewing inside the restaurant.
Omg!!! I said to my sv, do you invite him to have lunch with us?
But, she didn't hear that and I just said, I'm waiting for the others first.
I made a move, to neighbouring shop, be calm and took my deep breath.
'What would he gonna ask me? What if here? What if there?'
So much of questions in my head and I tried my very best to be calm while waiting.
I am so so so nervous!
I walk with other students and approach the table and smile. while my hand, awkwardly making a Hi sign to him.
He replied, with Hi too.
and I moved to the meja lauk and get my food. this time, i dont care at all my sv got her food or not, i was too nervous.
after that, i sit, we sit diagonally, so he asked, awat ambik sikit sangat lauk. hmmm, where am i now?
i replied, just finish previva. now correcting my thesis.
and he just said ''ooo'' and entertained my sv's cucu.
i macam cacing kepanasannnnnn.
i just ate my food, without tunggu my sv! hahah nervousssssss.
later, i just realized that i didnt show my food to the counter to get the price, and i line up for that while he stand up and talk with other students at different tables.
elok je nak duduk and he stand up and left us. my sv asked, why not join us for lunch, but he refused.
***
to the person,
i am so so sorry for not meeting your expectation towards me.
hoping that you can attend my convo
i am not giving up because of you
i know and understand how high your hope is
i am still standing here, with her amanat too
'finish this. insyaAllah'
i still remember, how she hold my hand and said that
months later, she left me.
but i never forget it.
i do blog about this in my previous blog, years ago.
i feel so lost when she's not here
i miss her
i know i'm late
but i know i can finish this.
i do my very best ya.
pray for me always.
i'm sorry,
al
I. Meet. Him.
Omg!!!!
The only person I tryna avoid, but i suddenly met him at restaurant this afternoon.
I don't know how to describe my feeling at the moment.
At first, I saw my sv taking rice for her cucu, and i approached her while viewing inside the restaurant.
Omg!!! I said to my sv, do you invite him to have lunch with us?
But, she didn't hear that and I just said, I'm waiting for the others first.
I made a move, to neighbouring shop, be calm and took my deep breath.
'What would he gonna ask me? What if here? What if there?'
So much of questions in my head and I tried my very best to be calm while waiting.
I am so so so nervous!
I walk with other students and approach the table and smile. while my hand, awkwardly making a Hi sign to him.
He replied, with Hi too.
and I moved to the meja lauk and get my food. this time, i dont care at all my sv got her food or not, i was too nervous.
after that, i sit, we sit diagonally, so he asked, awat ambik sikit sangat lauk. hmmm, where am i now?
i replied, just finish previva. now correcting my thesis.
and he just said ''ooo'' and entertained my sv's cucu.
i macam cacing kepanasannnnnn.
i just ate my food, without tunggu my sv! hahah nervousssssss.
later, i just realized that i didnt show my food to the counter to get the price, and i line up for that while he stand up and talk with other students at different tables.
elok je nak duduk and he stand up and left us. my sv asked, why not join us for lunch, but he refused.
***
to the person,
i am so so sorry for not meeting your expectation towards me.
hoping that you can attend my convo
i am not giving up because of you
i know and understand how high your hope is
i am still standing here, with her amanat too
'finish this. insyaAllah'
i still remember, how she hold my hand and said that
months later, she left me.
but i never forget it.
i do blog about this in my previous blog, years ago.
i feel so lost when she's not here
i miss her
i know i'm late
but i know i can finish this.
i do my very best ya.
pray for me always.
i'm sorry,
al
GF1 - First Move
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Alhamdulillah, done donate blood for this year on 19/11/19. what a nice date, huh? heheh
often i failed to get donated, either my hb or my bp is low.
this time, i ate meat and doing aerobic exercise before the day, hence that help kot kan.
alhamdulillah.
since ada 3 bulan lagi for next donation, so i would like to reduce my weight, get toned body and get fit as well as maintain weight to <55 kg. hew hew. let's do this!
so, i start with calorie deficit last monday 18/11, though it might not seems so deficit, since i ate burger before bed. sigh.
but, i pujuk myself, i exercised 2 times, so hopefully, the burning calories mechanism helped me during my sleep. ah gitu. haha
on 19/11, i try to reduce my rice intake and take a lot of protein. another burger in and half balang jeruk. so sedap ok jeruk tu, till i didnt realize i finish up to half! hahaha
follow exercise from body project yt channel, i chose beginner level video je, but its so damn hard! hahaa. moving to the last, i move slower, and keep on marching je. love this channel since the coach is sooo encouraging, just do it, even you just marching, katanya.
dan blog ni pun saje je nak hidupkan balik, aci taip je la hahah. x kuasa nak taip cecantik lagi. buat je la kan, nanti nanti perkemaskan lagi.
pendekatan kali ni lebih menyeluruh, lebih holistic.
tapi tak research banyak lagi, just buat je guna setakat mana yang tahu dan ada.
appreciate what we have, kan?
since my skin is dry, eczema some more, so i choose to eat healthy.
back to no sauces here and there. no sugar and salt.
sigh, it's bit tricky since it is sooooo hard to do it.
i get used to eat all those back in this one year.
sedikit kuciwa la sebab pi makan balik segala triggering food tu.
but it's okay.
we learned from mistakes anyway.
there will be more mistakes to be done soon, in this journey of reduce weight and get fit kan?
so layan je la, belajar belajar.
so yeah, pagi ni breakfast dengan nasi putih dan telur dadar je, fried with min amount of oil.
belum sempat stock up vege yet.
will up my entries more later, hahah ada ke yang nak baca ni?
haha
cheers, adios.
Alhamdulillah, done donate blood for this year on 19/11/19. what a nice date, huh? heheh
often i failed to get donated, either my hb or my bp is low.
this time, i ate meat and doing aerobic exercise before the day, hence that help kot kan.
alhamdulillah.
since ada 3 bulan lagi for next donation, so i would like to reduce my weight, get toned body and get fit as well as maintain weight to <55 kg. hew hew. let's do this!
so, i start with calorie deficit last monday 18/11, though it might not seems so deficit, since i ate burger before bed. sigh.
but, i pujuk myself, i exercised 2 times, so hopefully, the burning calories mechanism helped me during my sleep. ah gitu. haha
on 19/11, i try to reduce my rice intake and take a lot of protein. another burger in and half balang jeruk. so sedap ok jeruk tu, till i didnt realize i finish up to half! hahaha
follow exercise from body project yt channel, i chose beginner level video je, but its so damn hard! hahaa. moving to the last, i move slower, and keep on marching je. love this channel since the coach is sooo encouraging, just do it, even you just marching, katanya.
dan blog ni pun saje je nak hidupkan balik, aci taip je la hahah. x kuasa nak taip cecantik lagi. buat je la kan, nanti nanti perkemaskan lagi.
pendekatan kali ni lebih menyeluruh, lebih holistic.
tapi tak research banyak lagi, just buat je guna setakat mana yang tahu dan ada.
appreciate what we have, kan?
since my skin is dry, eczema some more, so i choose to eat healthy.
back to no sauces here and there. no sugar and salt.
sigh, it's bit tricky since it is sooooo hard to do it.
i get used to eat all those back in this one year.
sedikit kuciwa la sebab pi makan balik segala triggering food tu.
but it's okay.
we learned from mistakes anyway.
there will be more mistakes to be done soon, in this journey of reduce weight and get fit kan?
so layan je la, belajar belajar.
so yeah, pagi ni breakfast dengan nasi putih dan telur dadar je, fried with min amount of oil.
belum sempat stock up vege yet.
will up my entries more later, hahah ada ke yang nak baca ni?
haha
cheers, adios.
Friday, 1 November 2019
Thanks Allah for 28 years of living
Assalamualaikum and good day lovelies!~ :)
Alhamdulillah.
I feel so grateful and great right now.
Fighting and hustling to keep calm for the moment, others are still not yet done, but it's okay.
I am certain, I am achieving and fulfilling them soon.
:)
Alhamdulillah, 28 years of living, full of sweet and sour.
Well, that's life.
Why wish to have a non-obstacles life where the definition of life itself full of obstacles?
Allah tested with his tests, direct and indirectly thru humans and circumstances.
No other, rather than increasing my imaan and my level in Jannah.
For quick update, I still in the mode of correcting my thesis after previva.
Need to be quick with this and graduate next year, inshaAllah.
#convo2020
Not yet convo, but I feels too emotional for this. :')
It's okay, life must go on.
let's settle one by one,
keep calm,
keep focus on track,
be better than yesterday,
be grateful, always.
love, al.
p/s: well, i'm not yet 29, it's a few more hours reaching 29 since i was born at 11:46pm. ehek.
^^,
Alhamdulillah.
I feel so grateful and great right now.
Fighting and hustling to keep calm for the moment, others are still not yet done, but it's okay.
I am certain, I am achieving and fulfilling them soon.
:)
Alhamdulillah, 28 years of living, full of sweet and sour.
Well, that's life.
Why wish to have a non-obstacles life where the definition of life itself full of obstacles?
Allah tested with his tests, direct and indirectly thru humans and circumstances.
No other, rather than increasing my imaan and my level in Jannah.
For quick update, I still in the mode of correcting my thesis after previva.
Need to be quick with this and graduate next year, inshaAllah.
#convo2020
Not yet convo, but I feels too emotional for this. :')
It's okay, life must go on.
let's settle one by one,
keep calm,
keep focus on track,
be better than yesterday,
be grateful, always.
love, al.
p/s: well, i'm not yet 29, it's a few more hours reaching 29 since i was born at 11:46pm. ehek.
^^,
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